Cheesy Olive Bread

I saw the original recipe posted by Ree Drummond at the Pioneer Woman Cooks. You gotta love a woman who feels that butter is a necessary ingredient in almost all recipes. That chick isn't afraid of a few chubs climbing onto her hips. (For real, have you see her? She's a hottie, fer cripe's sake. I say pack on some more. Make us real peeps feel like you're one of US!)

I have tweaked her original recipe to fit my tastes a bit but wanted people to know that the REAL idea stems from all that is Ree.

Cheesy Olive Bread


Ingredients
1 loaf of cheap "Italian" bread (Don't go wasting your money on artisan-quality bread. I spent a buck on a loaf from HellMart and made some amazing-ass bread the other night.)
1 1/2 sticks of salted butter, softened
1/4 C mayo (And we all know I loathe mayo. But wait. You won't taste it. If I couldn't taste it, no one will!)
1/2 small white or yellow onion, grated (Use that old box grater. I do! It creates "onion juice.")
1 lb Monterey Jack cheese, shredded (I use that box grater. I like freshly-grated for this baby.)
1 can black olives, chopped. (Chop 'em yourself. I hate those pre-sliced suckers.)
1/3 C green olives, chopped

Directions:

1. Slice the bread in half length-wise and place on a cookie sheet. (Please go buy yourself a Silpat. Please? Nothing sticks to that Silpat goodness.)
2. Preheat oven to 350.
3. In a medium bowl, combine the softened butter and mayo until combined.
4. Add the olives and onion juice stuff. Combine.
5. Dump in that lovely cheese goodness. At this point, drop the spoon. Use some clean hands to mix this stuff. Please? It's easy and adds some serious love to the dish. Trust me on this.
6. When all ingredients are well-combined, pack the mixture on top of the cut sides of the bread. It'll look like a lot. Even if you think it's too much, use every bit of fatty love that's in the bowl.
7. Slide that cookie sheet into the oven and bake for 15-20 minutes. I err on the side of longer rather than shorter. (Oy vey. That sounds naughty. But I digress.)
8. You want the bread to be bubbly and the cheesy mixture to be browned.
9. Take out the cookie sheet, and for all that's holy LET THE BREAD REST BEFORE SLICING. Two things will happen if you slice it before waiting 5-7 minutes:
   *The cheesy goodness will slice off the damn bread. Don't ask me how I know this.
   Just listen and know I am the all-knowing where this is concerned.
   *You will pop a piece of the bread into your mouth and scald your tongue, lips, and the
   roof of you mouth. Everything else that enters your mouth for the next day will be RUINED. Again. Trust me.
10. Slide each half IN HALF, lengthwise again. (You'll end up with four long pieces of love.) Slice those pieces into smallish slices. If people take HUGE chunks of this, they will likely fall out from rapture. Or a heart attack. So. Let's go small.
11. Be ready to entertain the masses who will ask for the recipe and admire your cookity cooking genius.

Variations

• Feel free to mix cheeses or use different cheese altogether. Cheese is a food group in my home. As is bread.
• I have never and will never use fat-free or reduced fat mayo in this. As much as I can't stand the texture and smell of that white, jiggly shit, I cannot veer from the full-fat version. If you're gonna take out the fat, you're altering the recipe all-together. And brands? I'll just say one word: Hellman's.
• Red onion? Green onions? Sure. Go for it.

Feedback

I have made this app several times this summer alone and haven't heard one person say "ick." Ever. The only so-so review was from someone who said, "Um. This is RICH, isn't it?"

Uh. Yeah. You're eating at a big girl's house. If you want to eat that celery shit, go elsewhere. Unless you want a stick of that crunchy stuff in a spicy Bloody Mary. Oh, I love a good Bloody Mary. Even Virgin. For real. I don't drink. Much. Really.

So, back to the bread. People will eat this. Trust me. Make it and watch it disappear.